You know they say laughter is the best medicine and that goes out to computer programmers as well. That is when you wonder who it was that said that computer programmers do not have funny bones in their body.
So in line with that I have posted a number of programmer Jokes, Awkward programming moments and wacky computer errors. So here goes…
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said “We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed”.
The engineer said “I think I’ve got a few spanners in the back. I’ll take a look and see if I can work out what’s wrong”.
The programmer said “Why don’t we get going again and see if it’s reproducible?”
There are two types of people in this world: those who understand recursion and those who don’t understand that there are two types of people in this world:
There are two types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: none, that’s a hardware problem
Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”
Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!
A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, “Can I join you?”.
Q: “Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?”
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”
Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckles, “Everybody knows Jesus saves.”
Q: how many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: none, they just make darkness a standard and tell everyone “this behavior is by design”
A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where did you get that?”
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want”.”
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you”.
I once had this error on my P1 about a decade ago:
“Keyboard not found … press F1 to continue”
Another Error message:
Your mouse has moved. The system must reboot to effect the change!
very long pause.
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.
“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.”
The man below replies, “You must work in management.”
“I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you do not know where you are, or where you are going, you expect me to be able to help. You are in the same position you were before we met, but now it is my fault.”
When I saw this I thought it was a Joke…
my cd-rom driver became corrupted and windows could no longer recognize/find my cd-rom drive. so the error message i got was “please insert Windows CD”
Two threads walk into a bar. The barkeeper looks up and yells, “hey, I want don’t any conditions race like time last!”
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.
Whats the difference (similarity) between drug dealers and Software developers?
- Refer to their clients as “users”.
- “The first one’s free!”
- Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
- Strange jargon: “Stick”, “Rock”, “Dime bag,” “E”.
- Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
- Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes.
- Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
- Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
- Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
- Refer to their clients as “users”.
- “Download a free trial version…”.
- Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
- Strange jargon: “SCSI”, “ISDN”, “Java”, “RTFM”.
- Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
- Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, faster machines.
- Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
- Their product causes unhealthy addictions – DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D.
Life Before the Computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut – you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Software salesmen and used-car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.
The programmer’s national anthem is ‘AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH’.
Computers let you make more mistakes than any other invention in history. With the possible exception of handguns and tequila.
Told by Gerald Weinberg in various incarnations:
A group of ten top software engineers is sent to a class for aspiring managers. The teacher walks in and asks this question:
“You work for a software company which develops avionics (software that controls the instruments of an airplane). One day you are taking a business trip. As you get on the plane you see a plaque that says this plane is using a beta of the software your team developed. Who would get off?”
Nine developers raised their hands. The teacher looked at the tenth and asked, “Why would you stay on?”
The tenth said, “if my team wrote the software, the plane would not get off the ground, much less crash.”
Three men are talking: A programmer, a doctor, and a lawyer. The lawyer says, “Man, the only way is to have a mistress. With all these divorce suits, it’s terrible. The only way is to have a mistress.” The doctor says, “Are you kidding? With all the STDs out there, you want a wife and that’s it.” The programmer says, “You need both a wife and a mistress. Because when you’re not with the mistress, she’ll assume you’re with your wife, and when you’re not with your wife, she’ll assume you’re with your mistress, and THAT leaves you more time to be in the lab programming!”
An architect, a hooker and a programmer were talking one evening, and somehow, the discussion turned to which profession was the oldest.
“Come on, you guys! Everyone knows mine is the oldest profession,” said the hooker.
“Ah,” said the architect, “but before your profession existed, there had to be people, and who was there before people?”
“What are you getting at, God?” The hooker asked.
“And was He not the divine architect of the universe?” The architect asked, looking smug.
The programmer had been silent, but now he spoke up. “And before God took on himself the role of an architect, what was there?”
“Darkness and chaos,” the hooker said.
“And who do you think created chaos?” the programmer said.
This inherits from a joke about engineers:
A pessimistic programmer sees the array as half empty.
An optimistic programmer sees the array as half full.
A Real Programmer sees the array as twice as big as it needs to be and calls realloc().
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below, who is pasturing goats. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“Oh, thanks, now I know I’m in Russia”
“Yes” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone. So you are software developer. And only in Russia software developers pasture goats.”
A Microsoft dev is walking down a walking path on campus when he hears a frog say, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful woman. We can get married, and I will be your loving wife forever”. The geek and the frog stare at each other for a bit, and then he picks up the frog and gently places her in his front pocket. The frog sticks her head out and says “aren’t you going to kiss me?”
“No” says the dev, “I work for Microsoft, I don’t have time for a wife – but a talking frog is really cool!”
You can catch more Jokes and humorous occurrences in the computer labs here on the second compilation in the series of computer programming jokes.
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